#and now i'm alone again more than ever

[insipid-drivel]

What Happened

I'm in a very bad place psychologically and emotionally, and I can't just be vague or not talk about it anywhere to anyone anymore:

One of the people I thought was on the route toward becoming like an older sibling to me invited me to a discord group.

Everything seemed wonderful for the first couple of weeks. I hadn't made any friends or been in touch with more than one or two people in over 6 years, I'm mentally ill, queer, trans, and have a lot of social strikes against me as a result, so I was thankful to be in a small server of other queer and neurodivergent people.

We shared ideas of stress-managing and fun things to do, from cup stacking to cat's cradling. There were memes. I could talk about myself and feel safe.

My older sister was extremely cruel and abusive toward me from the time I was a baby, as well as my biological father. She resented me for taking our mother's attention away from her and never got over it. She often punished me in secret for infractions like spending too long with our mom's attention, or being too liked by her school friends and taking attention away from her.

As a result, I developed a pretty intense phobia of being the center of attention. I always feel like someone is going to come out of a crowd or the shadows and try to hurt me if I talk about myself too long, or attract positive attention from more than one person that everyone else isn't already ignoring.

I started to relax. The people I was getting to know were really, really nice to me. They were interested in what I had to say, and didn't punish me for talking too much. My ideas were received with welcome. My jokes got laughs. I started to feel like a person for the first time in my life.

Then, one day, while sharing information I'd been reading about Swedish royal history in the 1300s, which had not been validated yet and I was simply sharing due to a tenuous genetic link I happen to have and that my mom has spent a lot of her adult life researching.

I was paraphrasing in general chat to my new friends. I wasn't checking citations or anything, and the stories we were finding were still not validated, but they were interesting and added more intrigue to my family's old backstory.

Out of nowhere, a member of this server who had never introduced himself to me or spoken to me personally began attacking me. He demanded to know sources. He demanded to know how I could validate what I was being heard read to me, as if he were interrogating me for suspicion of heresy or something.

I cried. I backpedaled and apologized to him profusely while ceding the subject to him. I promised I'd never talk about it again and that I was so, so sorry for making him mad (my sister was right. my sister was right. i'm bad. i can't be safe anywhere. i'm a monster. she was right. oh god she was right. i'm a fucking monster). I showed my belly and pathetically begged him to take his Champion Argument Starter trophy and leave me alone.

He gave me a weak "Sorry," for being so cruel to me, but the damage was done.

I sat in silence in the server for weeks. Nothing was done. 2 of the 3 posted server rules were to Be Polite and Don't Be An Asshole. I hoped I would hear from a moderator that he'd been spoken to.

I wound up leaving, alone. The friends that I did like stayed behind, and aren't my friends anymore, because they chose to stay in a server with the guy that attacked me, triggered me, and sent me spiraling and sobbing and fighting blind fury at the same time.

I don't feel safe with them anymore.

A couple of members have come forward with gentle words, but I haven't had the stomach for any of them. I don't want to be attacked again. I don't want to be stupid enough to be lured into something like that again. I'm so, so painfully lonely and desperate for friends, but not that.

Please not that.

Where were you? Why didn't you help me? Why did you let that happen to me? Why didn't you stop it?

I thought we were friends.

Someone please be kind to me and mean it.

Please?

[la-galaxie-langblr]

what is going on w my brain

[i-am-just-a-skeleton]

i really want to talk to someone, i don't care who or about what but i feel like if i don't i'll start going insane, i've been accidentally ignoring all my friends not that they've tried to contact me either but that's fine they're busy and it's not like that's something they really do anyway it's just that i can't see them in person anymore and it kind of just feels like i don't exist because No One talks to me and i barely respond anyway if they do and i Need to get better at staying in contact with people because if i don't i'll just move away and probably never talk to them again and i don't want that to happen but it Will if i don't do something and it Sucks. this Always happens. every time i start to be friends with something they leave or i leave or we just drift apart and then it's over and i've never had a single person stick around and i never Do anything and i feel like i only exist as a person inside my head and nothing i do ever really affects anyone else and i'd really like. if just for Once i could get out of my own head enough to really connect with someone. and then actually manage to keep them around

[sortanonymous]

Wait, they're making another one? Oh-kaaayyyy... Not holding my breath, but hopefully it's at least better than the $h!tshow that was the second movie. (Even if that "version" of Silver is still there.) If it's any consolation, I don't know how much Sega is involved with the Sonic movies, but if it's a good bit, then maybe they can help out! At the very least, there's this amazing comment under the reveal teaser. (GOLDEN ISLAND MENTIONED)

[shiryawashere]

that feeling when an entire soundtrack of something is just your blorbos-coded it's inescapable

[altruistic-meme]

dear Abram,

i hope there have been Gentle Moments between the Horrors. dont forget to take it easy, but Take It.

how has the Horrors been going, by the way? last posting i recall you were halfway to acquiring a Vehicle? how goes The Hunt?

with much love,

Milo

P.S.

thank you milo ;;;

there have been some gentle moments!! despite everything, there have been a few good moments this month :) including cat cuddles. i have gotten so much cat cuddles and boy did i need it.

the Horrors. man. i have now MOSTLY acquired my car! unfortunately there was a mix-up while at the bank which means i have to go back again tomorrow, and to the dealer as well, BUT the dealer was very VERY nice and he let me ""borrow"" the car i'm buying since he knew i was actively without a car right now. so the car is parked outside!! i get to drive it!! i have it now!! i just have to finish up with all the financing stuff :') and also with dealing with my sad little VW rip

the rest of the Horrors........ well. i've mostly only talked about my car here bc it's the only one that i can have any like actual control over and it's the only one where it's like "ok this is an issue and this is how it gets solved and all of these things are achievable" so i've been making myself put most of my focus on it since it IS the only issue this month that i CAN solve. the rest is stuff that. sigh. 2 of my family members died this month, one of which was my last living grandparent. and it sucks!! and my mom is currently halfway across the country having to deal with all of the paperwork and logistics of that more-or-less alone.

i know my job has bereavement leave, and i have been deeply considering figuring out how to use it so that i can go see my mom and give her some support. but i can't afford time without pay so i need to figure out if it's paid or not. OUGH.

but SOME good! like my new car being so fucking funny to me. it has push to start. it has android auto. it is so fancy. also it has roll-up windows. and little knobs for the side mirrors. i die. the contrast. her name is also Tails in honor of my favorite Sonic character. and she will be getting flower magnets.

and TSC coming out!! and rewatching Bungo Stray Dogs!!

and Blue! Blue is good too :)

[lovelettered]

.

[zemnarihah]

my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....

[insert-funny-url-here]

Just the other day I was chatting with an older woman about this exact thing. She's retired so she enjoys going on almost-daily walks around her neighborhood and the surrounding neighborhoods. Well she told me that it was really weird that in the newer constructions where the younger families live, EVERYONE has their blinds closed all the time. In fact she can tell a younger family lives in a house based on the simple fact of whether or not their blinds are closed in the middle of a sunny day. It's to the point where she can't even tell if they're even HOME and available for a visit to welcome them to the neighborhood!

When she said that, I realized that I do that too when I live in a more publicly visible apartment. I told her that I think it's because of the internet. Younger people feel like we're constantly being watched, observed, and JUDGED for merely existing. So when we're home, we just want to be alone, unbothered, and unobserved because it's the one place we can control that. She was very surprised to hear that I felt like that and she was VERY concerned for us young folk (and to be honest after talking with her I became pretty concerned too...)

People from her generation will have their blinds open all day, hang out on their front porch, and randomly visit/enjoy random visits from neighbors and strangers. If a stranger knocks on my door it's scary and if they want to stay and chat? It's a huge inconvenience and it feels super awkward and weird and I'm stuck wondering why exactly they're talking to me, when just a few decades ago welcoming someone new to the neighborhood was just what you did! In fact to not do so was rude!

It made me really worried that as the Panopticon sinks its teeth deeper into our psyches, we are losing the very essence of what makes us human and got us this far as a species: community. I find that being on the internet for hours a day tends to almost trick my brain into thinking "I've been social all day, my social need is full" when in reality I've only talked to one, maybe two people I know from my real life all day, and only for short bursts, not REAL conversation.

I find it hard to have the energy to invite friends to hang out, and when I want to I feel like I'm a big inconvenience for asking them to take a break from their busy lives for me (not that they would ever say that's the case, but it's this nagging feeling internally). I feel like while we used to be a series of large islands of local community, our islands splintered apart and started drifting away from each other. Now your island is just you, your immediate family, and maybe a couple close friends. Those living physically closest to you feel like they're miles away and unreachable, to the point where you might as well not even bother.

I guess I just have one question for you: Do you know the names of your next door neighbors?

[sskk-manifesto]

What a good episode. Maaaaaan

[transmulier]

.

[sunnywalnut]

THANK YOU.

Tbh I did not expect you to actually respond and add to this post, but I am THOROUGHLY grateful you have. But I also would like to inform you(and anyone else that's uncertain about their ability to repost this)

Self diagnosis is valid.

Being officially diagnosed is a luxury.

Often one that is usually only given to those that show extreme or undeniable traits. And even then, you still could be denied.

I was 12 when I was diagnosed with autism. People have known something was "off" since I was 4.

I was able to feel the sideways curves in my spine and see that my shoulders were uneven before I got diagnosis for "mild" scoliosis at 19, after living a life complaining of back and rib pain.

I've felt my joints, all the way from my fingers to my toes, all fall out of place since I was 10, often times having to have my own mother massage my knees back into place so that I could walk, and even spraining my ankles simply going upstairs. All of which fell on deaf ears for the entire 20+ years of my life despite countless professionals, from muscular skeletal to rheumatoid specialists and even physical therapists confirming that I have hEds and possibly early signs of rheumatoid arthritis. And yet they still cannot diagnose it because they "can't treat it"

And the reason I say all of this is because I used to worry the same thing. If maybe by claiming this diagnosis as my own, that somehow I was doing something wrong. Or taking something away from someone else. However, I want to let you all in on a little secret.

If you're actively experiencing symptoms, you're not faking it.

You might label the symptoms wrong, yes, but that doesn't mean that they're not there. People get officially misdiagnosed all the time! Because a lot of medical things have a bunch of overarching symptoms that overlap! And you could have so many things going on all at once!

And sure. You're not a doctor. So you might miss something or assign too much importance to it, but that's fine! You're allowed to make mistakes!

Unless you are actively pushing a harmful narrative or making life harder for them, you are not taking anything away from those who are officially diagnosed.

Wear your headphones in public, ask your friend to lower the music, buy a shower chair and lie to the cashier telling them it's for your grandma, pick up a super fluffy stuffed animal just because the texture is calming, take a look at the cool little canes at the thrift shop, do whatever helps you.

There's enough headphones and shower chairs and weighted stuffed animals for the rest of us to enjoy. You're not wasting anything that you find useful. And also, sometimes your friends are just slightly deaf and used to feeling the bass shake their entire car. It's okay to tell them that you're not.

It's okay to ask for some help bringing your groceries out to the car.

It's okay to ask someone to repeat what they said a third time.

It's okay to ask if you can see something again to make sure that you understand.

It's okay to tell people you'd rather not be touched right now.

It's okay to tell people that you want to be touched after telling them previously not to!

It's okay! And this even goes for nondisabled people too! Please reblog this post, even if you have nothing to say or add. Because maybe then, it might find it's way to somebody else who needs it. Whether that be a friend or loved one, a beloved moot, a follower, or just some random homie who comes across it by chance.

Even if you just like the way things are said, or think that the words are nice, that's more than enough reason to throw this post on your blog.

So go for it.

Press the nice shiny button.

Be an ally.

I dare you.

Local PSA: invisible disability does NOT mean you can live your life like a "normal person" invisible disability meant that if a stranger looks at you in public they wouldn't know what's going on.

Like if a wheelchair user were to decide to run into a corner store to grab a candy bar because they know that their legs can last that long without, the cashier wouldn't know.

Or someone with "mild" scoliosis walking upright through their shoulder leans slightly to the left. Maybe they just have bad posture. The lady in the next isle thinks to herself.

The person with EDS or POTS or whatever sort of condition wearing compression gloves out and about. Perhaps it's a fashion statement?

Or what about the people with intestinal issues? They can look like "normal people" too.

You never know what someone is going through.

You never know what they might need to survive or if they're on the edge of a flare up or even if they are currently going through one just by one look.

I think both disabled and non disabled need to realize this. You're not "no longer disabled" because you can "live without" disability aids. They're there to help you. To make your life easier. If living without a cane is going to make it more likely you'll fall over and hurt yourself, use the cane.

If you need to sit down to do dishes or cut vegetables because you need to save your legs for taking out the trash, sit down.

If you need a shower chair because you don't know if you'll pass out, use the shower chair.

People are going to judge you regardless for multiple reasons out of your control.

I'd rather they judge you while you're being safe.

You don't need to struggle to be "normal."

You can just be you.

However that looks for you.

Use your disability aids.

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

It really sucks having to be bored out of my mind every single day because I have no friends, no job, no way of even accepting money so even if I did get a job I couldn't be paid, nobody to look forward to talking to and nobody who actually enjoys my presence so I'm completely alone and all I have to do is be on my phone, be on my laptop, stare at the wall or the ceiling or take a nap.

I don't even really have a reason to look at my phone anymore and haven't in years because, again, I have nobody to talk to or look forward to talking to and nobody who actively wants to talk to me so all I do is open tumblr and scroll for a few minutes before closing it, and I avoid instagram to the best of my ability so I'm not tempted to contact my fp or think about them or anything

[anaalnathrakhs]

one day i wish to understand exactly what was my parents' modus operandi for my childhood because i cannot for the life of me figure out the logic but also there HAS to be some kind of underlying belief to it because i turned out with mom-n-dad-shaped fundamental flaws to my character

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Plus I mean I guess at least if he locks me up somewhere I won't havta think anymore

[medicinemane]

I don't know, here's my problem with all that gratitude stuff people are always pushing

I'm here finding myself grateful for the really bad unexplained stomach problems I had for months that randomly flared up so bad I couldn't leave the house safely somedays (literally missed my last doctor's appointment cause it turned out that wasn't a day to be out and about)

Like unprompted, not as some kind of exercise or something, I find myself being like "yeah it may have royally sucked, but it really has helped me get a feel for how my stomach is doing so maybe I appreciate it"

Feel like that's fairly gratitude minded when you can find yourself being grateful for basically months of being sick, you know?

...so fuck off an let me be. If me organically being grateful for a painful time in my life where a lot of nights I'd be worried about going to sleep and dealing with issues so bad I was worried about how I was gonna be able to take this trip unless I got lucky... if I just on my own end up being grateful for that and still want to put a bullet in my head, maybe gratitude isn't a cure all

Maybe piss off with it, you know? I'm the first to say it's good to be grateful for shit, and frankly even walls (even when there's insulation issues) are a fucking blessing and I'll always thank my house for everything it does for me

Still not a magic bullet against depression and I get fucking sick of everyone talking like it is one... like if I just gratituded harder I'd feel better